Howdy I'm Pixel!

Now 4

This Now page was inspired by Derek Sivers and Anish Lakhwara. Find others right now.

I'm writing my now again from my home, for the holidays. We're in the last stretch for school.

I've quit my last part time job and started working for Futureland—contracted till the end of December. I enjoy it a lot, it's five us on the team. I'm doing community development and research, not a position I've been in before, but I'm challenged to do real work and contribute ideas with real impact. It's exciting and I feel like I'm really able to grow.

If I'm not happy, why am I here? In the past months, I've been dealing with loneliness, the kind of loneliness that comes from being surrounded by people yet feeling out of touch with them. I've had to set hard boundaries, it's hard losing people that I'm close to. They can't be replaced, but I've been able to become closer to people who I had always intended but never really got a chance to get to know better along the way. Through these relationships, I get to support others and recall what kind of things actually bring me happiness: sides to myself I always had to suppress while I'm the odd one out in the room. I appreciate people who I can move slowly with. I ask myself what the point of holding back will be, if at the end of it all I never see myself satisfied.

I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with botany, mycology, and ecology. It's been lovely being able to watch the seasons change this year more intently than ever before. I made sauerkraut recently, and I've been able to learn a lot about my cultural foods and their preparation processes. I really wish that my mother would be supportive of me exploring the subject more, as it's important to me that the work I do honors my family. I'll be doing two directed readings on food systems and solar energy systems. Three total credits, including a bio class. With the support of my advisor, I should be able to get my summer course credit, so I'll be able to take three credits for each semester moving forward. I'm looking forward to that. I want to be able to focus more deeply on what I'm being assigned academically, but also allow myself to have the space for self guided discovery.

My sleep routine has been pretty stable, however, I find myself hyperventilating to the sound of my roommate opening the door late at night, waking up naturally an hour earlier than intended but then sleeping through my alarm for when I did mean to. It's not a perfect science, but it's a commitment I've been able to stick to, along with making my bed. I feel a bit less compelled to make my bed while I'm at home. A bit more distracted in being able to work as well, I remember missing the feeling of being able to go to a different study spot when COVID-19 first hit and then eventually being thankful that everything I really need was in my house. Now, I feel stuffed up, way too distanced from my surrounding community and environment.

I've been trying to study for my LEED exam more consistently, now that I've scheduled my test for January. Though, I might not have my car around that time, so I'm not sure how I'll get to that test center, we'll see. I do need to get better at driving, however, I think I'd ideally like to not need to drive. Talking about LEED has been useful in my discussions with others in the energy industry. I've done about 14 informational interviews, mostly related to energy, but also with those outside of those fields. I really enjoy the interviewing experience and getting to learn how people process things. It's important to me too because being a grown up isn't easy, and I sure am curious how people out there are doing it. Speaking of that, one of the people I spoke to was a data analyst who really wished they could work with their Spotify more and I agreed. For the past few days, I've been listening to a lot of Mr. Jukes. I've been in the mood for jazz and soul lately.